Training Us Into Laziness

Today, we took the kids to Barnes and Noble after church.  I was browsing homeschooling books along with some knitting, piano and how-to photography.  These are all things that pique my interest, but I know little about.  You know that saying: Jack of all trades, master of none?  

Anyway, what caught my attention were all of the "Knitting For Dummies!" and "Piano for Idiots!" type books.  I refuse to pick them up and concede that I am one of them (even though they would probably teach me a heck of a lot).  

It makes me ponder all of the quick-fixes that are offered.  We are being trained in to laziness.  "Get rich quick!" "Lose 30 pounds in 3 weeks!"  (Seriously??)  "Read this book for morons and you will be able to knit an afghan!"  Think of all the magazines that fly off the racks because of the empty promises they offer.  How many of those magazines would sell if they said, "Bust your ass and follow this super-intense workout regimen."  

We want quick and easy.  I, for one, am always looking for that silver bullet.  Not in just one are of my life, but many. 
We continually set ourselves up for failure if we think anything of worth is going to come easy.  Do you know how long I have wanted to learn how to knit, but will not afford the time to sit down and figure it out?  I've dabbled in piano for years, but again, do not make it a priority.
I waste words from my daily word quota talking about how much I've always wanted to do this or that. 

And when the offer to be spoon-fed something presents itself, we jump on it...only to be disappointed that even the very least amount of work is not yielding the results we desire.  We actually have to WORK to accomplish the goal, whatever that may be.  Dang it.  

Do you have something you've always wanted to learn how to do?  Have you been able to overcome the inertia and learn it? 

When the experts lead us astray...

 When I found out I was expecting our first child, I read every book I could get my hands on.  I was clueless about babies having been raised as an only child (my brother did not enter in to our lives until I was twenty-six).  And for the record, I wasn't a spoiled brat having been an only (I was, however, spoiled with my parents' time)...but that is for another blog post.
I continued reading as my first-born got older and new babies came along.  It seemed the battle-cry of the experts at the time was "Compromise!"  Don't say no too often or you will break your child's spirit.  Let them feel like they are in control.  In short, the parent-card is taken out of your hands.   
Now, I know that is not the intended effect of these methods.  However, that is often what has happened in our home as a result.
Case in point:
One day, while homeschooling Super-boy in first grade, I said, "It's time to do our work for the day."  To which dear eldest replied, "I don't want to do my homework!"  I then replied (with all of my parenting expertise in the forefront of my mind, "Okay, let's compromise.  Want to go on a nature hike?"  "Yes!" he replied, ecstatic.  We got to the trail and both of my older children whined about how cold it was and that they just wanted to go home.  Ugh.  All of this work to get everyone out the door in the vein of compromise.
After we returned home and it was time to hit the books, Super-boy slumped over his chair and cried, "But I don't WANT to do my homework."  We were in the same spot we had been in two hours before, only more tired.
Kids crave boundaries.  I don't care what anyone tells you.  Now, had that same scenario erupted in our house as of late, I would respond, "This is the time for homework.  When we are done, you are free to use your time as you wish."  And despite kids responses, I believe it makes them feel secure; they know exactly what is expected of them, no ifs ands or buts. 
Not to mention, the more children you have, the more impossible it is to play the "compromise game" with each child.  There is a schedule and that schedule is mommy's saving grace.  Otherwise it would be mayhem!
I will say, however, that if I am able to compromise, I will. For example, "You don't want to take out the trash right now?  Okay, that's fine.  But today is Saturday and also the day you get to play video games.  Until the trash is taken out, there will be no video games."  
Or, for those of you who know my Dynamite, he loves to wear a suit DAILY.  Even on 80 degree days.  I explain to him that he will be a hot, sweaty mess if he wears the suit, but that it is his choice.  And most days, he still chooses to wear it.  Which is totally fine with me! (smile)
What are your thoughts on this?  How have you seen the tide turn in what the "experts" are telling us as parents?  Do you feel that we are encouraged to be too lax or too strict?  How has the advice of the "experts" translated in to your own homes?
As always, thanks for reading and for sharing!

Life Lessons I Learned From My Kids Today

I took Ralphie in to the Dr. this morning because I thought he may have an ear infection. My dear, patient Dr. told me that I probably just needed to feed him more. (smile) See? Even after four children, I need a little (sometimes a lot of) guidance.

But getting to my point:

We were seated by the entrance and Ralphie intently made eye contact with each person walking in. Upon eye contact, he smiled the biggest, seven-toothiest grin. And then he would wait for his next victim, being the slayer of hearts that he is. And it struck me: Ralphie thinks everyone in the world is in love with him. He smiles at everyone and absolutely turns inside out with every morsel of attention given him.

Lesson learned: Drop the insecurities. Life is too short to worry about what other people think about you. Assume that everyone thinks you are the wonderfully amazing person that you are, and if they don't, that's their problem! But above all, don't forget to smile!

Dynamite reminded me to dance. Dear eldest had Smoky Robinson on the radio and Dynamite had to break it down for everyone...in his suit. For those of you who know us outside of Blogworld, you know that Dynamite wears a suit every. single. day. Except on Tuesdays when I can talk him in to wearing a blazer and jeans because it's gym day at preschool.

Lesson learned: Get down with abandon. Have fun. Seriously have a good time. Do the moonwalk. Okay I'm getting carried away, but you get my drift.
Cindy-Lou Who reminded me to give hugs. All day long, she fawns over sweet Ralphie. She squeezes him, sits him on her lap, kisses him until his little cheekies are red. She swings Dynamite around while they listen to music. She even gets away with laying her head on Super-boy's shoulder. She is a lover by nature.

Lesson learned: Give affection. Hug them even when they seem like they don't want it. Ann Voskamp says in her Joyful Parenting Manifesto that the moment we are "repulsed by a child's behavior, that is the very moment we should draw closest to them." Cindy-Lou Who reminds me to stop being so goal-driven and give affection freely.
Lastly, today while Super-boy worked on thank you cards for his birthday he decided he was going to draw a picture of each gift he was given on the individual's card. So if he was given a BeyBlade, he would draw that for the person. In my head, I was screaming, "Don't do that! Just get it done! It's going to take you forever if you do that!" But to him, I just smiled and said, "That's really nice, honey, they'll love that." While we worked on spelling homework, there were sentences that said, "Insert a girl's/boy's name." He sat there thinking of all the hilarious names he could write. Again, I'm saying, "Just write Jimmy and be done with it!!" But that's not his style. If he's going to do something, he's going to find enjoyment in it. "Mom," he said, "How about Herbie?? That will really make Mrs. Sophiea laugh."

Lesson learned: Life is not always the race that I make it out to be. That endless checklist that I have might be a lot more fun if I allowed myself to slow down. To not be in such a hurry. And to LAUGH!! Be creative! Enjoy the journey and not just the destination!

"Children are the anchors that hold a mother to life." -Sophocles
"He who teaches children learns more than they do." -German Proverb

Redeeming Brokennes: A letter to my daughter

This morning was embarrassing. I felt like a loose cannon. I lashed out. I told my husband that I didn't know if I could take it anymore. I made my daughter feel sad.

And so, I decided to write her a letter in her journal. This journal is intended for when she gets older; for whenever I think the time is right...perhaps when she gets married or when she has her own little ones. I don't write in it as often as I'd like, but this morning I felt such a need to explain things to her. To explain that it's just a little nuts around here right now.

It's humbling to screw up. I wish I could keep it together all of the time, but I don't. And so, in the words of a wise friend, I decided to try and redeem this moment. How can I take something ugly and make it beautiful? How can I turn a failure in to a gift?

I know these little pieces of paper don't make it all go away, but I hope she'll be able to look back and realize that some times it all falls apart and there is healing power in contrition.

The reason I choose to share it is because I think that many of us have been there.


My dearest girl,

I believe I startled you this morning--made you feel sad, and I want you to know how sorry I am.

I know you are too young to understand now, but it is my hope that when you are older, you will realize that mommy is so very sorry.

I set my alarm to wake up at 5:15. Dynamite crawled in to bed and would not go back to sleep unless I laid with him. And so I did...and then I fell back asleep as well.

At 7:15, your dad said, "Oh no! We overslept!" Then it was rush, rush, rush to get everyone ready for school. It was crazy hair day at school and you did not want that side ponytail; you wanted four buns on your head.

You are supposed to walk out the door at 7:35 and at 7:30, Grandma Shriver called to tell us that dear Aunt Bev had died. Dad was tearing up in the bathroom and all the while, we still had to get you out the door for school.

Dynamite was in the background continuously yelling, Get Me Dressed!!!!"

As I was putting your hair in to buns, I yelled. Loud. Probably loud enough for the neighborhood to hear. "YOU NEED TO WAIT!!!!" I was yelling at your brother, but you jumped.

I had to find a book bag for Superboy because he'd left his at his friend's.

I'd planned on making lunches at 5:15 a.m. when I woke up because I was so wiped out from the day before.

Oh, Cindy-Lou Who, life is a little crazy right now. I am sorry. I get so frustrated. I don't want you to have memories of me yelling.

My prayer regarding this morning is two-fold:

1) If and when you have children~or simply within the rigors of everyday life, that you will be gentle with yourself. Life is hard sometimes, but it is also full of wonderful discoveries and relationships. Try not to take things too seriously; I have such a hard time with this. I think I may adopt the philosophy (upon the advice of a dear friend) that you can be late every damn day for school, but I am not going to be a screaming lunatic. In the grand scheme of life, if you're late once in a while for something, it's not that big of a deal.

2) That you will be able to forgive me for all of the times I've failed you or hurt your little heart. You are the world to me and I'm sorry for the way I treat you at times; that I get so frustrated.

Always know that mommy adores you. I think of you all day long while you are at school and my heart swells with pride at what a sweet, sweet, girl you are.

I love you, Cindy-Lou Who.

I'm an instant gratification junkie!!

I guess I have a bit of an addictive personality. I like to see what's new in everyone's world...and I really like to avoid doing what I have to do, like mop the sweet potatoes off of the floor. And so I meander over to my computer. What?!? Twelve new stories since I checked it ten minutes ago??

Oh man, I had no idea that Paula Dean Jr. (not their real name) was having sweet potato pancakes with homemade strawberry sauce. Man, I am such a freaking loser. My kid had a hot dog today. What?? Jimmy's skiing in the Alps? My life stinks. Sally went to the museum with her kids and took super-cool pictures? My Dynamite's busy chewing on crayons (only the non-toxic ones).

Seriously though, I do love keeping up with friends that I haven't seen in ages. I love seeing how cute their kids/puppies/hair-dos are. But does it make my life richer?

Here's what I think about and you may call me overly-analytical: When I am 102-years old (because that's how long I want to live), will I be pleased with how I spent my time? Did I really need to know that Freddy's kid flushed the clicker down the toilet again? Yes, it's downright funny...and it makes me feel better about the insanity of my life, but is it necessary?

Now, I could ask this question about many things. There are so many time-suckers out there. You may be saying, "Kendra, lighten up! It's simply a past-time." I suppose the reason why I zero in on Facebook is because it is the biggest distraction for me. I dawdle away my precious time fascinated how others spend their precious time (and you know their fiddling it away on Facebook too).

My time is limited. The older I get, the more I am aware of it. The older my kids get, the more I recognize that these wonderfully busy days will come to an end.

So here's what I'm going to do: I will check my Facebook no more than once a day to check for messages and to respond. I will spend no longer than fifteen minutes doing so. That is my commitment to myself (oh dear, I am already feeling withdrawal just writing those words of "letting go").

There are other things I am putting in place to be more deliberate with my time. I will save these for a later post, but they all have to do with "being connected." I can always be reached--by home phone, cell phone, text, e-mail, or Facebook. And I really do believe my family gets the leftovers. What time-suckers do you have in your life? How do you go about not letting them take you over? Is it time for you to de-friend Facebook?

Disclaimer: I think Facebook is wonderful for a lot of reasons. i.e. re-connecting with my college roommate who I adore, sharing great recipes, hashing the heavy out, etc.

Singing in the rain

I took Dynamite in to the shower with me tonight for two reasons: 1) to bathe him and 2) to keep him out of everyone's hair. He is three and is very impressed at his ability to affect the environment around him, sometimes in negative ways.

I've been thinking a lot about how I interact with my children. About how quickly the time goes. It's hard for me to believe that my eldest is going to be nine next month. Another nine and he will be contemplating college and moving out. Sometimes I wonder if time is truly absolute as it seems that it goes increasingly fast as I get older.

As I was in the shower tonight with dear Dynamite, I had the thought that I will never get "these" five minutes back. And so I knelt down and sang the Itsy Bitsy Spider to him, complete with hand motions. A wonderful smile swallowed up his face as our fingertips danced in the "rain" coming down.

God, give me the grace to remember how quickly it all goes and to make every moment, even the most ordinary, magical.

I think I can, I think I can...

I almost threw in the towel. The laundry was overflowing. The kids were non-stop bickering. One of my kids had way too many cavities when we went to the dentist despite my constant nagging about getting rid of the "sugar bugs." The dishes were piling up on the counter and I was sporting sweatpants almost everyday. The diapers I bought at the store did not absorb as much as they promised, and my mattress got soaked...more than once...by our sweet baby.

Each and every day, I would wake up and say to myself, "Today, I am going to get on top of this place." As if I could do that in one day. In my mind, I envisioned a candle burning, me sitting on the couch reading a book with a well-deserved glass of wine in the midst of my gleaming house. Of course, all of the laundry in the house would be folded and put away and my children would magically skip in to bed and say, "Thank you, dear mother, for making us go to bed early. We wish you would just relax and know how much we appreciate all you do for us. And no, I do not need a drink of water. Nor do I want you to rub my back or turn my light up just a little bit more. I have used the bathroom as much as I possibly could in a day and will not use that as an excuse to get out of my bed no less than four times. That gate?? You don't even need that, mom. I will not try to catapult over that tonight. I am obedient and long to please you." Wait...where in the heck was I going with all of that? I got kind of caught up in my blissful thinking...

Ahhh, yes. I was trying to get my head above water and was failing miserably. I would make unrealistic expectations for myself, and then be disappointed when I didn't meet them: "You sluggard. Why can't you wash/dry/fold/put away eight loads of laundry in a single day. You are a worthless piece of crap." Or, how about that attic that took years to get as disorganized as it is...why shouldn't I be able to make it tip-top in a couple of hours filled with countless interruptions?

And so I began saying things like, "I just can't keep up." "I'm not even going to try." "This is just a stage in my life where I can't get anything done and I need to accept it." And did this way of thinking make the chaos okay? No, it just made me feel like I had lost the fight. And so, I committed to get back in the ring.

I often feel that chore charts, allowance, cleaning schedules, etc. just give me one more thing to do. The thought of them overwhelm me and I can't keep up anyway. What I'm finding is that, if I take the time to implement these things, my days are much smoother. All of the time that I sit on Facebook (how I have a love/hate relationship with that site), I could be printing off charts or setting my timer for fifteen minutes to do a quick-clean.

Here are a few of the sites that have really helped me:

www.flylady.com- for the cleaning
www.onethousandgifts.com- for gratitude
www.aholyexperience.com- for the soul
www.freeprintablebehaviorcharts.com- for the kids

Don't try to do it all in one day. One thing at a time. And be gentle with yourself. If you have any questions about things we're implementing here, feel free to ask. We don't have it all figured out by any means, but is empowering to be on the right path. My husband said to me last week, "It actually feels like more organized chaos." Hey, that's a beginning!